Grey Skies
by Lady Animosity
Summary: Short ficlet from Rogue's POV. Rogue ponders the restrictions of her mutation and what she wishes for but knows can never be. Basic one-sided Rogue/Jean. Tad fluffy. Very angsty. Please R&R!!


Disclaimer: I obviously don't own X-Men, so don't falsely assume that I do.  
  
A/N: I've only seen the X-Men movies (I just saw X2 for the third time- soooo great!), so, needless to say, this story is pretty much movieverse. I loved the portrayal of the characters (particularly Famke Janssen's 'Jean Grey' performance-she seemed elegant and composed in the movie, as opposed to what I've heard about her 'prom-queen' disposition in the cartoon), and I was basically picturing them in my head as I wrote this, so it's really not based on the comics or cartoons. After seeing X2, I couldn't stop thinking about this idea I had for a short fanfiction. So here it is - hope you like! ** are italics. Please R&R! Thanks!  
  
*Mutation.*  
  
*It is the key to our evolution.*  
  
I've heard that speech before.  
  
I guess it's a part of the whole initiation process you go through when you're a new student at Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.  
  
They told us how to interpret that speech. 'Mutation is not a curse,' they said, 'but a *gift.*'  
  
Ha. Mine's not a 'gift.'  
  
I can't even call it mine, because it's really not. Nothing is *mine* because I have to take it from someone else. And I don't even get to keep it. So how can *that* be called a gift?  
  
Eh, one man's trash is another man's treasure. That's all you can really say about that.  
  
But it's not enough.  
  
Call me selfish, but I think they've all got it a lot better than I do. I mean, I'd give anything to have Scott's laser eyes, even if it meant I could never look at someone without the shield on. I'd at least be able to touch people.  
  
But I guess it's just pointless to dream, isn't it?  
  
It's hard living this way, always pretending like nothing's wrong - that I'm just fine and content with being the way I am. Alone. I'm good at pretending. But after a while, people tend to catch on to the fact that something's just not right. Nothing is ever right as long as I'm this way.  
  
And it's not that they don't notice - it's that they don't care.  
  
No one cares.  
  
No one ever has.  
  
Even so, I'm used to being isolated like this. I've experienced every dimension of isolation known to man and mutant. It's painful, certainly, but I've learned to simply get used to it. Just like one gets used to a scar--sometimes, you can't see it, but you always know that it's there.  
  
But there are those few times when, despite my immense ability to conceal my emotions, despite my constant mantra of 'Being alone is okay, you'll learn to fix it eventually,' I just break down and lose control. I let everything come surging out of me like some kind of maniac. I know that's what they all must think of me-the untouchable maniac. I've seen how they all recoil when I come near them. But I can't control my feelings and fears, only hide them. And having telepaths for friends isn't exactly key in that process. I won't try and deny that being secretive just comes with my mutation. I don't let people in. But like I said before, I'd give anything to be like Scott, because he can actually *touch people.* Particularly, he can touch a certain *person.*  
  
They say some things are best left hidden. Oh well, you lose some, you win some.  
  
Now, I'm not particularly attracted to women. Never have been. And probably never will be, but. Jean's different.  
  
I still don't know why or how I began to feel this way. Maybe it was a long time coming. Either way, there was no possible way she wouldn't find out. It's pretty hard to hide things from a telepath, especially one as powerful as Jean. To her, my mind was probably screaming with the emotion I felt, radiating off me like UV rays from the sun.  
  
But I couldn't help it. There was no way to keep something like this from her.  
  
And even if there was, I didn't have enough self-control to keep it all to myself anyway. I was just so tired of the constant remoteness that came with my powers. Not even remembering what human flesh feels like against bare fingertips. To survive emotionally, we must share contact with one another, not just spiritually, but physically. Being denied that one simple act is mind-numbingly painful.  
  
She understood the pain I was going through. She recognized it but she could only offer reassuring words, sympathetic glances, small condolences for the anguish I lived through every day. She couldn't give me what I really wanted to have.  
  
I suppose I could do nothing but respect that. After all, Jean and Scott had their perfect fairytale romance, and I couldn't bear to tarnish it. She had gone through so much to finally choose to stay with her husband rather than discard her will and give in to Logan's relentless pursuit of her affections. Putting her into yet another situation of the sort would just be. selfish. But I simply couldn't let go.  
  
And after many hours of confused tears, dizzy spells, anxiety, and anger, I could deny it no longer. I loved her. I *needed* her. Not just human contact. It was beyond that. I needed *Jean.*  
  
I became a wreck around her. On the outside, I was fairly normal. But on the inside, I was being torn in two by the severe intensity of my feelings for her - the one person who fully understood the plight of a teenage girl in my position. The one person who I believed, besides the Professor, could truly help me. The mind works in mysterious ways. And Jean, a master of the mind herself, immediately recognized the desperate charge of emotion spilling out of me through my brain waves.  
  
She confronted me about it. I told her everything.  
  
I will never forget the expression that was on her face after confessing my love for her. It was one of indecision and compassion, her bright green eyes boring into mine with indescribable *feeling.*  
  
Beautiful.  
  
And she reacted to my confession the only way she instinctively knew how.  
  
She kissed me.  
  
O God, did she kiss me.  
  
My mind roared with delight. It cried with supreme ecstasy and screamed with excitement. Right then, I could have conquered the world.  
  
But it didn't last.  
  
When she pulled away, purple veins slightly visible on her neck and jaw, there was a distinct look of regret in her beautiful emerald eyes.  
  
And I knew that had been the first and last kiss I was to receive from Jean Grey.  
  
But I didn't cry. I only smiled sadly and closed my eyes, using the powers she had just transferred to me and reaching out to her telepathically.  
  
*Jean, I.* my mind whispered.  
  
*Rogue, you know I love you. but not in the way you want me to. I'm so sorry.*  
  
*It's okay, Jean. I understand. I just needed to feel it. just for a second.*  
  
*I know.*  
  
*Thank you.*  
  
And with that, we opened our eyes, gazed uncertainly at each other for a brief moment, and went our separate ways.  
  
I don't know how long I've loved Jean Grey. I don't know how long I'll continue loving her. But, despite the fact that she will never be completely mine, despite the fact that she doesn't and never will love me the way I need her to, I was fulfilled by that kiss. Her risking so much to reach out to me for a few seconds. It made me realize that there is hope. Even for me.  
  
Maybe people do care, after all.  
  
Jean does.  
  
A/N: So what did you think? I was trying to sort of reason that, because Jean could read Rogue's mind and reach out to her mentally, it would increase the ability for Jean to reach out to her physically without fear of getting hurt. I can't really explain. I sort of got that little idea from Flaeron's "Evolution Squared"-an awesome fic by the way. She can explain that a whole lot better than I can. Also, the part about Jean reacting 'instinctively' and kissing Rogue just meant that, as a telepath, she would try to see what would really make the object of her telepathy happy and fulfill that. Do you get what I'm saying? Because Rogue was thinking about kissing Jean in her mind, Jean saw that and did it to make Rogue happy, because Rogue wanted to know how it felt (notice the dialogue directly following the kiss.) That's what I meant by 'instinctively.' Anyway, please PLEASE review - I'm dying for feedback! 


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